Stuff Even *I* Know About Horror/Sci-Fi Movies

I don’t even watch horror movies, but I know this:

  • If it lands during a meteor shower, and especially if it glows, don’t talk to it, pick it up, take it home, name it, and for the love of G*D and little fishhooks, don’t get any ON you.
  • Virgins live, unless they’re over 35, in which case they die and nobody mourns them. Unless they’re hot despite their Advanced Age, preferably female and blonde, or Asian and previously a monk, in which case they are either the hero or the one that the hero falls for.
  • Non-virgins are fair game for whatever the Great Evil is. Great Evil is apparently filled with good Christian morality, and hates those who have sex outside the confines of the (heterosexual) marriage bed.
  • Along with non-virgins in the “fair game” category are non-whites, gays, overweight people, Jews… basically any minority, really… as well as women who shriek, anyone unattractive (by WB/CW/Disney/Fox network standards), nerds/geeks, the socially inept, and whoever is smart enough to figure out what the Great Evil actually is, how it got that way, and what to do to make it stop killing.
  • All but the last category mentioned above will die in ways that will be presented as horrifying, but also as acceptable, because these are not The Golden People and therefore they are less than fully human or worthwhile, and it’s okay to kill them just to make the body count rise. The last one, the genius who could have solved the problem, will be not sad, but scary, one final moment for the audience (which is not you — you’re a potential victim, remember?) to realize that the situation is dire, if not irretrievably doomed. The only time it’s actually sad for someone to die is if they are conventionally attractive, a virgin, and/or a child.
  • If it looks like a gigantic body part (human or animal), but “not like one I’ve ever seen before,” walk the heck away. Slowly and with dignity, so as not to alert the Great Evil to the fact that you know it is, in fact, Evil. If it knows that you know, you will become its food.
  • The creepy child is possessed. Either kill the child (and make peace with your deity of choice later), or learn to love having everyone around you disappearing, one by one, only to be dismembered later.
  • The pretty child is (1) an innocent victim, (2) onscreen more than all the other innocent victims put together, (3) not all that bright, and (4) the only one who will be saved/brought back mostly unharmed (but with superpowers that will turn it into the creepy child in the sequel), and it will be Heartwarming when the child is reunited with whoever’s left of its family.
  • If you hear a weird noise, and you can’t just leave the house and call the cops or Ghostbusters from the neighbor’s place, at least bring a gun or baseball bat with you.
  • If you hear a weird noise while in the shower or bath, stop to rinse the shampoo out of your hair before you go and stupidly investigate. You don’t want to slip in suds and fall down and hurt yourself so you can’t run anymore.
  • Your car should be gassed up, with an extra 5-gallon can of gas in the trunk just in case. Your batteries should be charged and in the flashlights. Flashlights, candles/matches, first aid kit, a bag of non-perishable food (plus your medications and maybe a couple of bottles of water), and fully-charged cellphone should be in locations you can find in the dark. And all these things should be true AT ALL TIMES. Having a cellphone is essential, because the Great Evil can’t make it stop working by cutting the telephone wires. You should probably also try to get in good enough shape to run at least two miles at full speed without breaking a sweat.

And finally, the most important point of all:

  • If your pet barks/growls/snarls/hisses at it, they are right. They are always right. You, in your human arrogance never trust them, because they are an “inferior species” to your vast awesomeness as the pinnacle of creation; also because they complain that they’re starving when their bowl’s full of kibble, not because they are actually starving, but ¬†because what they really want is the good stuff, i.e. canned food, and that annoys you, and anyone who annoys you deserves not to be trusted. But they ARE telling the truth about the stuff they perceive, which is a heck of a lot more than what you perceive, because your human brain is filled up with TV shows, commercial jingles, and internet memes, while their brains are free to focus on Stuff-That-Keeps-Me-Inside-My-Fur or Stuff-That-Will-Definitely-Separate-Me-From-My-Fur. When your pet sounds the alarm, here’s what you do: you pick up the pet, cradle it tenderly and securely to your bosom, say “Good baby!” and run like you stole something.

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